Building a foundation for healthy relationships requires the establishment of boundaries and the careful selection of who deserves access.
Two weeks ago, I read an Instagram post on self-care. The post stayed with me because it mentioned that “access had to be earned, and is not freely given”.
It led me to consider the times I’ve given a part of me to someone who wasted my time, undervalued my worth, or exhibited unacceptable behavior which I chose to overlook.
I also considered the times I’ve made excuses for someone’s poor behavior. I’ve done all these things in the name of thinking this person was an important part of my life, when in truth, they didn’t deserve to be.
On the side of self-care and self-love, no relationship should exhaust or stress you. If it does, it requires re-evaluation and possibly separation.
In my profession, I have to make myself non-reciprocally available to a variety of individuals. I serve with transparency, but I am not always given the same. Truth be told, we all have an innate desire to get back what we put out, and to feel appreciated and not be taken for granted.
Every relationship requires work – love, friendships, family, colleagues, networks, memberships and communities. Nourishing relationships requires various things. Most important is open communication, mutual respect and above all… reciprocity.
My wise aunt tells me often that we have to learn how to “accept people as they are” and “learn to love people with all their flaws”. I sometimes believe the same, but on the side of self-care and self-love, no relationship should exhaust or stress you. If it does, it requires re-evaluation and possibly separation.
Dedication, commitment and consistency cannot be taught, demanded or expected.
Relationships are fickle – oftentimes we have expectations that people simply cannot meet. Yet we still hold on to our expectations of them, and continue believing that somehow, they will change if we ask them to enough.
Dedication, commitment and consistency cannot be taught, demanded or expected. Having to constantly tell your friend, or anyone else that they should be calling you, seeing you or doing for you, leads to frustration. Your continuous “begging” not only leads to hurt, it becomes a waste of time, and keeps you away from building other relationships that can actually strengthen you instead of deplete you.
You should NEVER be anyone’s part-time, half-time or some time. Never should you prioritize someone when you are only an afterthought for them. You’re worth more than that.
Relationships don’t need daily interaction, just an understanding of how it will work. When you have to “work up” to engage with someone, or feel drained by someone, it is time to let them go. Period.
You may not always be able to walk away from some people, so here are a few tips for establishing boundaries that don’t disrupt your joy.
- Ask and Express Yourself – Be clear about your expectations and needs. Let them be known and ask if they can be met. Don’t demand or give ultimatums. If they can’t meet your expectations, you’ll need to be accepting of that and decide if and how you want to continue the relationship. Whatever your decision, stick to it. Going back and forth is unwise and unhealthy.
- Understand – Everyone has a lot going on. It is difficult to give all of you to one single person daily, and vice versa. Be realistic on both ends so that there are no disappointments. One of my dearest friends and me have a standing call every week. Although we speak daily, this standing call is a non-negotiable. This is not forced or perfect, but it is our way of holding each other accountable for our businesses and building our friendship. We both ask of each other.
- Reciprocate – Give more than you get, as long as it’s healthy for you, and do so without expectation. As mentioned above, we all desire to be treated as we treat others, but never with a ‘tit-for-tat’ approach. It is not a good idea to take on the attitude of “after all I have done for you”. When you serve others in your truth, reciprocity happens naturally and when each of you need it. There should never be an expectation of immediate “reciprocal reward”. Let things flow naturally.
- Categorize – There are friends, family and others you know that you can go to and engage with for certain things, and not for others. Know how to categorize your tribe. My ex-boyfriend wasn’t very good with empathy on certain things. His approach was to strategize in order to acknowledge where things went wrong, not lament over that which you have no control over and move forward. Another friend is open to crying on the phone for hours if we need to, even if we get nothing accomplished. Point is, depending on the issue you are having, learn who is capable of supporting you with certain things. One friend does not know how to help you solve everything. Learn to understand your feelings and needs, and who to go to depending on how you’re feeling.
- Recognize – Words are not the only way we communicate. People will show you who they are by their actions. When they show you who they really are, believe them. Real moves are made in silence. It is up to you to recognize what they are telling you and in turn decide how much you want to invest in the relationship.
I no longer leave people in my circle or stay in situations that diminish my life force. I’ve learned to quickly identify what doesn’t work for me and move away from it with grace. Not in a way where I am making hasty decisions or not giving something time to develop, but rather trusting my gut and the feeling of, “This is not working for me”, and acting on it.
You should NEVER be anyone’s part-time, half-time or some time. Never should you prioritize someone when you are only an afterthought for them. You’re worth more than that.
Building a foundation for healthy relationships requires the establishment of boundaries and the careful selection of who deserves access. Tolerating an individual is not only toxic, it slowly seeps into your spirit and affects your happiness and peace of mind.
However, you’re choosing to engage with others, know that if you are not right, good and grounded, your ability to support yourself, and in turn others becomes an exhausting exercise that kills your joy – the most deserving human need.